Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
