I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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