The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize