Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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