Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
