Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You are the jesus of drinking
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
