my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
