When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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