My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.