i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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