Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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