I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
