He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
