There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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