We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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