I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
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I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
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Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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