your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
