If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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