I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
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You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
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Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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