Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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