at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
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i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
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And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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