i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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