So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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