fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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