Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
