I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
