So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
