Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
