omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
