i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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