Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
