those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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