You made me cry and you don't even care
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
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i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
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It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me