And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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