i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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