I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
