She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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