he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
