does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
