see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
