I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
