I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
