I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
