grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
