i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
