My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
