I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
