I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
