He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
