Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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