My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
