theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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