I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Randomize
