i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
