Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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