just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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