I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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