I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
