I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Randomize
