I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
