I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
