Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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