my phone needs a breathalizer
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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