Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
